Days of Rain

"Love is but a Dream"

     I met a girl who I thought was the one. She was very charming, funny and sweet. I like everything about her, and I feel she felt something for me as well because of how we communicate and have something that only us can understand. We have commonalities and I was so happy when her family accepted me, even her siblings, but she had a change of heart that I don't understand.

    She was the 2nd girl that I had fallen for and genuinely cared for and will do the best that I can for our future, unfortunately she doesn't feel the same way. That really made me sad and broke my heart, it was so hard even for me to breath just thinking about her. I want to move on, but I don't how. my heart aches thinking about her, I even tried to distract myself, but it doesn't seem to be working either. I feel lost and don't know what to do.

    I was finally feeling that I'm starting my life again from depression, anxiety, and stress. I felt that it was the time for me to be happy with someone I can share everything about me and show my vulnerabilities and trust to a person, sadly it was one sided. I thought everything finally going on my way, but I guess life doesn't want me to be happy and be lonely. 

    In this life, I really never felt genuine happiness for myself and only sadness and regrets come to me. I feel hopeless and getting down without anyone to share my feelings on how sad I am right now, even to my family, I don't share anything to them. It really hard to keep these feelings to myself, that is why I write it to this blog.

    Am I a man just going to be alone forever? I had a promise to my father before he passes away that I will have a partner and will introduce to him but looks like I would greet him to the afterlife with a story of feeling miserable and too burned out in life.

    I hate feeling like this. The despair is unbearable. I don't want to burden my family if I commit suicide, so that's not an option because I tried it before, I don't want them to be sad because of that. I just want these feelings to get out of me. These emotions are hard to control and feel so helpless and don't know that to do.

    I don't hate those who I love genuinely even though they have rejected me. I blame myself for my short comings. Being loyal, caring, sincere, gentlemen and making them your priority isn't enough to get a girl. I even court them properly in their home asked permission to her parents my intentions. but I guess it wasn't enough. 

    It's been a while I share my thoughts. It's been tough. I cried for this girl. I really love her, but I need to let go. I just can't seem to move on. It's hard. I feel the world is against for my own happiness.

-RCAB